Roger Moore... I Miss Him Already

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I have no clue when you'll be reading this, but for me as I write, it is the 23^rd Of May 2017. Sadly this is the day that Sir Roger Moore departed our mortal world for the giant Martini bar in the sky and the day that we lost our first real James Bond. Already I've had several friends message me in condolence; my Mum phoned me up to make sure I was okay, and a work colleague gave me a hug from behind as I was sat at my desk. Although during this hug the work colleague also started to fondle my nipples so there's a good chance that it was more of an opportunistic attempt at sexual harassment than an effort to actually comfort me. If only I'd had three nipples then arguably it would have been a fitting tribute.

Tom Cruise: The Cursed Avenger

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So it seems like The Mummy is basically just a Tom Cruise vanity project in which he runs about looking cool with a couple of women obsessing over him as though both oblivious to his weird middletooth... Google it if you don't know what I mean by that. The film begins in which we see a large drill performing an act that can only be described as boring and in many ways that should have prepared us for the rest of the film. This scene is set in England which we can tell for two reasons. The first is the big text on screen saying “England”, the second is that it takes approximately eight seconds before we hear somebody say “Bloody hell!”. Along its path the drill accidentally finds a tomb of dead crusaders which leads Russell Crowe to waddle in and begin telling us about the history of an Egyptian Mummy... for some reason. He plays Dr Jykle and Mr Hyde because everything has to be a shared universe now... more on that in a bit. However he's essentially just an overweight guy with a bad cockney accent. If anybody sees Ray Winstone heading towards Russell Crowe after he's seen this film and with a sock in his hand then make sure to get out of his fucking way.

A DC Film That's Wonderful

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In 1913 the Suffragette Emily Davison threw herself in front of the King's horse and lost her life in the name of equal rights. From then on, all was right with the world and the two genders have been treated as absolute equals ever since. Well.. you know.. other than the slight difference in pay that women face. And the glass ceiling. Oh, and the shockingly high levels of sexual assault, sexual harassment, and sexual objectification that they suffer. By all means they do have the vote now, but if somebody dares to do an all-female reboot of Ghostbusters then that's where we men-folk draw the fucking line, it seems! As such, Wonder Woman is a revelation. It's the first big-studio Superhero movie to have a female lead in over twelve years. Of course there was Catwoman and Elektra before this, however like that time I was asked to do the dishes and so smashed them up the fucking walls to ensure I'd never be asked again, those two films were beyond shite. It's also the first ever superhero film to be directed by what Moonraker's Bond would refer to with surprise as 'a woman'. Oh, and it's also the largest budget film to be entrusted to the gender that we men have constantly referred to as, 'darling', 'sweetheart', 'love', and under very special circumstances, “sugar tits”.

Jumping The Zombie Shark

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The first thing that the latest Pirates Of The Caribbean film gets wrong is its presumption that anybody gives one solitary fuck about any one of its characters. You could quite literally kick any one of these people in the bollocks until your feet hurt and I still wouldn't give two shits about them. Near the end of the film a character experiences what I shall refer to as 'an emotional moment'. Except, for the moment to work it requires you to both care about the people involved and have bought into the plot contrivance that was revealed only a mere few minutes earlier. Sadly this didn't work because of the film's second mistake.. that it thinks it has any characters in it whatsoever. Because it doesn't. Because to call the walking lumps of boned-flesh in this story 'characters' is an exaggeration on par with me claiming that my cock is the size of the fucking moon. I mean, it's big, but it's not quite the size of the moon. Swipe right on me for further details.