4 June 2017

Jumping The Zombie Shark

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The first thing that the latest Pirates Of The Caribbean film gets wrong is its presumption that anybody gives one solitary fuck about any one of its characters. You could quite literally kick any one of these people in the bollocks until your feet hurt and I still wouldn't give two shits about them. Near the end of the film a character experiences what I shall refer to as 'an emotional moment'. Except, for the moment to work it requires you to both care about the people involved and have bought into the plot contrivance that was revealed only a mere few minutes earlier. Sadly this didn't work because of the film's second mistake.. that it thinks it has any characters in it whatsoever. Because it doesn't. Because to call the walking lumps of boned-flesh in this story 'characters' is an exaggeration on par with me claiming that my cock is the size of the fucking moon. I mean, it's big, but it's not quite the size of the moon. Swipe right on me for further details.


Anyway the movie starts with the son of Orlando Bloom promising to find a way of freeing his father from a curse that keeps him trapped in the ocean. “Why would you bother?” Is I'm sure the question we all collectively asked. The last time I saw Orlando Bloom at sea, he was papped paddling on a surf board with Katy Perry on the front and his dick out behind her.. for.. some reason?! He had his cock out whilst holidaying with a bikini-clad Katy Perry and yet somehow it was his cock that was the only thing not wooden about him. Previously in these films he was a shit actor and yet somehow since his last appearance in them ten years ago he's managed to get even fucking worse. It's kind of like hiring a cleaner who used to have a constant habit of missing a spot only for it to now be a decade later and not only are they still missing the same spot but for some reason they've also decided to take a dump in the mop bucket first. Oh, and there's no denying that Bloom's character's son is actually his character's son because in terms of acting ability he is quite literally a chip off the old block. At the point in which those two have an emotional embrace, I wasn't sure if I was seeing a father and son in each others arms or two saloon doors about to bang off their stupid, grotty fucking hinges.

As for Jack Sparrow, I could never see him in this without thinking of The Smiths song, 'The Joke Isn't Funny Anymore'. In fact, in keeping with the lyrics of that song, I think it'd be pretty appropriate if the next movie was called Pirates Of The Caribbean: Time's Tide Will Smother You. There's been rumours surrounding this movie in regards to Depp's behaviour pending the break-up of his marriage to Amber 'show me the money' Heard. One of the many rumours involved the suggestion that he had to wear an ear piece in order for somebody to feed him the lines he hadn't bothered to learn. Personally, I don't believe this. Beyond anything, it would mean there was a fucking script to begin with. I mean the story is literally incoherent to the point that it felt like a cinematic representation for how a dyslexic person must see letters. I can see a lot of shit moving around but nothing is seeming to make any sense. They're all looking for the Trident Of Poseidon too? What the fuck is that? Was somebody already using the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch? Apparently the Trident of Poseident will remove all curses that are currently active in the ocean. Bearing in mind Barbossa seems to know its location, it's odd that he never felt the urge to look for it when he was cursed himself. Some people just love having something to moan about I guess.

I'd hate to suggest though that the film is all bad however. It's not. Like a turd full of sweetcorn, there is some good in there. It's just a question of how much shit your willing to fuck about with to have to get to it. Just so you can synch up my response here to your own Pirates-Calibrator, I'd say that I love the first one, can see the second is shite but quite like it regardless, and found the third and fourth instalment to be about as watchable as an amateur dramatic society recreating my own conception with some post-wanked-on sock-puppets. However this film does introduce a younger version of Kiera Knightley's dull character in the form of Kaya Scodelario whose not too bad in it. I mean, the character she's playing is basically non-existent however she does do a good job with what little she has. You might recognise her from The Maze Trials franchise and having seen the reviews for this film you might now recognise her as the actress doing press that looks like she'd wished she'd stayed fucking lost in it. However perhaps the highlight of the film for me was an opening action set piece that involved the theft of a bank vault. For a brief second in that action sequence I was temporarily reminded of how much I did love the first film. It also reminded me of one of the greatest achievements humanity has ever accomplished... Fast And The Furious Five.

Now.. From Fast Five onwards, that franchise has been a thing of inexcusable brilliance. It's the Michelangelo's David of action movie bollocks and I love every second of it. But where will it go next? Well, it occurred to me as I watched Captain Jack steal a bank vault in a similar way to how Dumbenic Toretto had done previously that the two franchises share a slapstick and cartoonish sense of action. In Fast And Furious 8, the street racers were chased down by a Russian Submarine as they attempted to stop the onset of World War 3. I mean how the fuck do you get bigger than that? Well, they go to space, obviously. We've all seen how Bond constantly tries to get bigger and bigger which means that the next Fast And Furious movie will be its series version of Moonraker. But then how will Fast And Furious 10 beat that? You can't get much bigger than space! And this is where I had my moment of genius. In number 9 Dumbenic Toretto will take his crew into space but in 10 as they attempt re-entry into Earth's atmosphere some mad sci-fi shit happens, they travel back in time and BANG- Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Fast And The Furious.

I mean, tell me that's not a brilliant fucking idea. Everything is a shared universe right now and what better way of correcting the shitty Pirates franchise whilst also taking the Fast franchise to its only logical conclusion than by combining the two. I don't even care about most of the Fast franchise's characters either to be honest. So fuck Diesel and his chums. They all die on impact leaving just The Rock and Jason Statham as the only two survivors. I mean, Statham is a proper swimmer. Just YouTube that video of him at the Commonwealth games if you don't believe me. Then just also ignore the fact that his dive is more like a belly flop, he gets fuck all points, and it looks like he's about to cry. Now imagine this.. Jack Sparrow is on his boat. He hears the impact crash of the Fast team, he gets his telescope out to investigate, and swimming towards him like an angry cockney dolphin is Jason Statham with The Rock riding him like a fucking jet-ski! Right there.. that's the teaser trailer, opening shot, and Oscar clip, all in one fell swoop. It's certainly fucking memorable. I mean, who the fuck was the bad guy in this movie?! Salazar?! Never heard of him. Already don't remember him. Like Barbossa, he's a ghost pirate that has a beef against Jack, and like Davy Jones he can't set foot on land. Big deal. Have they really already run out of ideas?! Johnny Depp has just signed on to play the Invisible Man in Universal's Dark Universe series and after seeing this movie it's obvious why he might be wanting to disappear. Now get the Fast And Furious crew on the phone and make it happen! Thanks for reading, motherfuckers, and see you next time.