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Mark
Wahlberg plays a spaceman that flies his mini-rocket into some
swirly space-bullshit in order to rescue his pet monkey. He crash
lands on a planet that's ruled by apes and yet literally nothing
interesting happens for two whole fucking hours. The apes turn him
into a slave.. he decides he doesn't like being a slave and so
escapes to find his spaceman friends who he thinks have come to
rescue him. Based on his complete lack of personality, I'm not sure
why they'd bother. He is given help in his journey by Helena Bonham
Carter who has clearly undergone hours of monkey make-up in order to
look exactly like Helena Bonham Carter with a tail. Eventually
Wahlberg decides to go home. We all wish we'd not stayed in our own homes to
watch this piece of crap on DVD. As he arrives back on Earth it turns
out that his home planet is now run by monkeys too. He thinks, “What
the fuck”... as do we.
What's
the subtext?
There's some very minor
hints towards racism, although I think that's just something that's
built into the concept of Planet Of The Apes rather
than something that we should credit this film for highlighting. The
apes treat humans as slaves with one human-friendly monkey saying
words to the effect of “It's disgusting the way we treat humans.
It demeans us as much as them”. So just in case you didn't think
treating minorities is bad, well, this film points out that you're also
treating yourself badly too. I'm sure all of the beaten, tortured,
and murdered slaves throughout history would completely agree that
their rich owners where equally as demeaned as they were.
The
only other subtext I could find in this was a bizarre kind of
pro-bestiality attitude that it seemed to be propagating. Wahlberg's
character seems pretty interested in Bonham Carter's ape with her
seeming even more into him in return. I know that the very first two
Planet Of The Apes films had some man-on-ape kissing but that
was a kind of gratitude thing. Here we get two full hours of the two
giving each other 'fuck-me eyes' whilst trying to hold their
monkey-nuts steady.
What's the best bit
of the film?
I
honestly don't know.. maybe the closing credits because the shitty
movie is finally over. Or perhaps the opening credits because you're
still at a point in which you don't realise how shit the film is
about to be. I mean, realistically, perhaps the only bit of the film
that excels and makes it even worth considering a watch are the
make-up effects by Rick Baker. Not only are they insanely good but
they allow most of the actors to hide their real identities. Is it
really Tim Roth in this film? Or perhaps just an acting enemy that's
trying to taint Mr. Orange's career by framing him in this. I guess
we'll never know!
What's the worst bit
of the film?
When
looking at a pile of shit it's always hard to decide which the
shittiest part actually is. However in the case of this film I
suppose the crappiest, most 'what the fuck' part has got to be its
final scene. Wahlberg arrives back on Earth from wherever the fuck
his monkey planet was only to discover that all of the humans have
been turned onto apes. Or replaced by them. Or whatever the fuck
we're meant to understand has happened. Either way, it reminded me of
the ending to the original Planet Of The Apes but
only because I was mentally screaming, “Ah damn you. Damn you all
to Hell!”
What's the best
line?
There
isn't one, but when the text “Directed By Tim Burton” appears on
screen, I remember feeling some joy that at least it was now all over.
So.. that.. I guess.
Is it actually worth
a watch?
No.
It's completely shit. It's not so shit that it becomes funny either.
Just in that shitty sweet spot of too shit too watch but not so shit
that it becomes good. Nor is it connected to the previous films or
any subsequent films. It's the unwanted sibling of Planet Of The
Apes films. Lock it in the
attic. Pretend it doesn't exist. Feed it fish heads in a fucking
bucket when you have to.
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